Diagnosis of
Alcohol Consumption
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and
satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you
another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of
your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass
applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in
front of mirror. Drink as many
as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being
held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper
bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
complain to the
owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as
compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are
looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will
buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried
out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If
not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
fluorescent
lights across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over
backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette
butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See
above.
SYMPTOM:
Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION:
Panic.