DOC JOKES 3:
LEGEND :
Blue : Informative Jokes
GREEN : Good humour
RED : Adults only
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"
A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone bad." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After
cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table,
grabbed a hamburger and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was
startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came
back, took another hamburger and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was
silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think
I just saw... Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile
the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take
another hamburger!"
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him and
asked, "What happened?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer
park," the man explained, "And from where I am, I can see this
absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She's blonde and built like a Corvette,
just all curves. Anyway, she's so horny that every night I see her take a hotdog
from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floorboard of her trailer.
Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hotdog. "And?"
prompted the doctor. "Well," said the man, "I felt that this was
a lot of waste, so, one day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and
when she put the hotdog into the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It
was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked
at her door, and she jumped off my hotdog and tried to kick it under the
stove."
A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My
penis is red." Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look.
Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40." The
fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been
to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell. His friend said, "Really? I
have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?" So his friend goes to
the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to
help me. My penis is blue." Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm...
Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400." "FOUR HUNDRED
DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40."
"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has
gangrene."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed
testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.
I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The
doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my
balls."
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone." Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one." Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down." Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?" Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles." Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost." The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted." The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down." Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?" To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles."
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they
sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell
all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a
neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, "Say,
Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so
much?" Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has
thorns on the stems...? Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?" Ed replies,
"Yeah, that's it...(turning toward his wife) Hey, Rose, what was the memory
course instructor's name?
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
A man went to a doctor.He wanted to become blonde. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he
said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate
to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blonds.Anyway, the doctor asked him his
IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure
would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted,
and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could
zap just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology,
I suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer
which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor
threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93... Suddenly the
phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor
forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized,
and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, 5, 4... He
ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to
wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus!"
exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!"
The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just
heard..."
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says
he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and
uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Sammy is in
town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into
tears. "But doctor... I am Sammy"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency
room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see
him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you
was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side
is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I
know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only
kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying.
Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as
mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me
on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the
practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me
something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it
turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the
transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client
had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow
and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could
have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you
reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost
confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then
get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The
reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything
in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you
give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a
higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime
candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate
for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think,
Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of
it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when
you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my
wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc,
you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give
the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it
now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To
find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer
asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
pass the kidney stone?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly,"
replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Lawyer: Did you say the victim was shot in the woods? Doctor: No, I said he
was shot in the lumbar region.
An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic. Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face. To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks." The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations, but how about the one who helped you?" The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, let's work on your farting."
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I
don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to
finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered." The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered??" To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor
takes the man aside and says, "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife
either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."
"That's terrible," says the man, "what should we do?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a thirty minute head
start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't fuck her!!!"
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks,
"And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies,
"I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night
when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I
open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting insane,
so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her,
"Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems
that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light
somehow goes on..." Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's pissing in
the refrigerator again!"
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!
Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he
had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor
shoved the muffin, the hotdog, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The
patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the
therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor
shoved a muffin, a hotdog and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits,
the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a hotdog and a mallet for
the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin
and the hotdog up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared
out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?"
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!