Psychiatry jokes

Psychiatrist: 1) Mind-sweeper. 2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. 

Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Psychiatrist: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... etc.

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Wife: Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse. Psychiatrist: He is just probably a little stressed out and needs some rest. Wife: But he kicks chairs and eats grass and do not even sleep in the bed. Psychiatrist: Well, in that case, it looks like he may need a lot of help, but it may cost quite a lot of money for prolonged treatment. Wife: Oh you don't have to worry about the money part. Last Sunday, my husband won the horserace!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards! Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge... Psychiatrist: What's come over you? Patient: Two trucks, five cars...

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.

Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things. Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you. Patient: But what if they don't? Psychiatrist: Pick up a Rolls for me.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Psychiatrist: Get to the end of the queue (cue).

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Psychiatrist: Who said that?

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.

"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room." The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in the square room." The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?" Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"

Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator! Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass. Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!

Patient: Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a teepee. The night before, I dreamt I was a wigwam. Psychiatrist: Relax. You're too tense. (two tents)

Hypnotist: Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say wake up you will no longer be shy but full of confidence and be able to speak your mind... Wake up! Patient: Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old basturd.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out." Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here."

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

What is the best thing about schizophrenia? You're never alone.

What is the worst thing about schizophrenia? Paying more than once for everything.

A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity problem..... So do I."

A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24. "Nobody" comes the reply. "Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac." "I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock."

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

Not A True Story, But What If ... A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.

A young woman goes to a psychiatrist. When she walks into his office, he says, "Take off your clothes and get on the couch." A little confused, she did as he asked. He took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch. When he was finished, he said, "Well, my problem is solved. Now, what's yours?"

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back."

So the two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first on turns to the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"

A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. "Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left."

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!